Ladyink with love

Tag: Mental health

  • The Girl I Never Left

    Sometimes the child you were, doesn’t need saving. She just needs to know you never left.

    I dream a lot, I have some weird dreams almost every other day. Just yesterday my friend was telling me about a dream she had, and we were just telling each other about dreams making no sense. And then I remembered my own dream, that inspired me to write this.

    One day I had a dream that I was in my previous rented house, it was empty. I went inside and I started exploring, although in real life the house was not big, but in my dream it was big enough for me to explore. And then I saw a little girl, she was so cute. We spent a lot of time and played together. Then all of a sudden I heard a sound and started following it. When I came back and opened the door of the house the little girl came running to me and started crying and saying “Why did you leave? Why did you leave me alone? I was so scared. No one was there for me.”

    ……. And then, I woke up.

    Once I woke up I realised that I was actually crying in my sleep and the little girl I saw was actually me when I was a small girl. 

    I have felt a lot of things after that, and it was also Covid time. I wrote that dream down to remember it. And then Taylor Swift also released “Forklore”, and there was a song in it called “Seven” and it had a line :

    And I’ve been meaning to tell you
    I think your house is haunted
    Your dad is always mad and that must be why
    And I think you should come live with
    Me and we can be pirates
    Then you won’t have to cry
    Or hide in the closet
    And just like a folk song
    Our love will be passed on 

    This hit me a little hard, because every time I hear it, it’s like I am talking to my younger self. 

    And every time I think about her, all I can think of is, if I had someone older like me around when I was young, I would have felt so protected and safe. Which I really didn’t as a child.

    She would be so proud of me today. She would love to see the kind of person I became. 

    She would smile watching me be stupid yet responsible, silly yet composed when needed. 

    She would find me so cool, me standing up for myself. Believing in me more than others. Maybe also, my collection of BTS albums and my travelling tales.

    I think she would be so surprised to see me work in a corporate company. I didn’t really have a dream job when I was a child.

    She would want to know if I am still friends with the same people we were in school (Good for her we have better company and best friends I would never trade for anything ever.)

    She would see me and hug me for becoming the kind of person we always wanted to be, and getting everything I ever wanted (Except for a million dollar I still wish to receive magically someday.)

    The person I’ve become

    When I talk about the person I have become or the kind of kid I was, it is quite difficult. I can’t say I was an easy child. My mother had a hard time with me, I was the oldest, yet I always felt overlooked, and that made me act out. 

    Now that I have become an adult myself, I think about how as a woman, enduring abuse, becoming a sole provider, and having kids who act out is not easy. It is terrifying, and my mother is an innocent woman. Sometimes I am glad that I am not like her. Things were hard, and having 3 children to look after made it harder.

    So, in a way there are parts of my younger self that I have left behind, but the part of me that questions everything is still the same. I still refuse to listen to people and question everything and that has still been bothering my mother. 

    My younger self would definitely appreciate that we throw out that one toxic person from our life that was taking us down with him. And we grew from it.

    This was also one of things my younger self would not have been able to imagine could happen. 

    Me being able to achieve my freedom, being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and however I want. Without explaining myself to anyone, are among other things she probably never thought would happen. 

    I always thought things would be okay, I am not sure if I even had any fears other than heights.

    I have only ever been confident enough in myself. But I do think the one thing that made me nervous was studies and now I hold a Master’s degree. 

    My young self was fearless as hell, and that has only grown over the years. I am still the same stubborn and fearless Girl I was at 10 that I am at 29. 

    Dreams

    I never really had dreams, I only ever thought of growing up and earning a lot of money. But the one dream that really came true was that my sister and I bought a house for our family.

    There were so many dream jobs I had as a child, I was never clear on what I really wanted to be when I grew up. That is something that changed was, once in my life I wanted to be a lawyer, which didn’t happen thankfully. I was actually glad that didn’t happen. I would have had a horrible life.

    I just know she’d see those changes as me growing up because it all happened for good. Because I was able to do what I actually love, writing. 

    And writing matters to me now that she couldn’t yet understand, because I love it. I did it as a child too, but never really took it as seriously as I do now.

    I know if I explain my current goals to her, would she eventually nod and say, “That makes sense.” Because it does, we both love it. She as a hobby, me as my passion.

    Values

    We as people all have a lot of values, and I do too, even as a child. One of those values was loyalty. 

    My Loyalty is something that is still intact in me since my childhood. She was a very loyal person and so am I.

    That has made me a safe person to people, because I always stand for people and myself. I call our people when I think it deserves to be called out. So, I know I would be a safe person and make her feel safe. I am a feisty fighter. I always protect my own.

    So that if people have issues and they want to talk to someone they know they have me. And that is something she would feel as well, and look at me as an adult to run to when she is scared.  

    Other than Loyalty, there are other things that I also kept with me.

    Like my curiosity is something I have kept the same. I was always a curious child, questioning everything and everyone. That has irritated people 🙃 but I still wanted to know. 

    I am the same way now. 🙂‍↔️

    I still want to know everything and anything.

    I am not sure if that is something like a promise I have kept, but I think the biggest promise I kept without realising is to be true to myself. 

    I can never be two-faced with anyone. If I don’t like something or someone I do not pretend to be nice. I can never fake myself for something or someone. 

    Healing

    My whole childhood was anything but normal, I grew up in an abusive household, and that is something not just me, but my whole family had to heal from.

    Because of which I have a lot of trust issues in relationships. I do try to give people the benefit of doubt and let people in. Even though it takes a lot of time and effort, it protects me from a lot of pain. 

    All of my experiences in life have made me realise that there is nothing in my previous life that would comfort her. I have had it pretty weird. But I do think my life now, my mindset today is something that will comfort her a lot.

    And that is something I think she will thank me for, being able to grow from the hurt.

    And yet, there are so many parts of her I have made rooms for, like the innocence. The silly parts, the talkative and the curious parts.

    Everyday life

    Although I don’t really have a big room, I think she wouldn’t mind, but I am not sure if that is something she would love.

    I imagine a little me coming in the rooms asking if it is our home, and me saying yes.

    And then looking at the books I own. The amount and kind of books I have read, that is something I think would excite her a lot. 

    Then looking at all my clothes. I wear almost everything and anything. I know that is something she would find shocking. Especially now, because when I was a child I had to dress like a boy. My parents would dress me more like a boy, I even had pictures of myself in it, and it looked like my brother. I hated it. 

    I remember having 2 skirts as a child, one was a denim skirt with green top and the other was a blue slightly thick cloth with a white top. I would wear those 2 skirts all the time, everywhere I went until I grew out of it, because that was the only clothes I had that would make me feel like a girl. I never felt like myself in those clothes, I wanted to feel like a girl, but my parents’ weird ways of dressing made me feel like a boy too. 

    My sister was somehow allowed to wear girls clothes like frocks and skirts because apparently “She looked good in it.” I actually have a lot of resentment because of this. 

    One of the reasons why, now my clothes are more girly and cool. I have a good sense of style for myself. I always wear makeup and dress and style myself like a woman, and I refuse to wear anything that can look remotely closer to a man (You could say this is one thing I never healed from? I don’t know if it needs healing). I don’t hate pants or anything, but even if I wear clothes like pants and shirts, I style it more feminine. 

    That is not something I think that is concerning….. However, she might be concerned about my humor, because let’s be honest, my dark self deprecating humor is quite troubling. 

    It is one of my hobbies tho, making jokes about myself (But let’s not get it twisted, I only joke about myself with everyone except my family. Because they keep making fun of me for everything)….. 😂

    That being said, she would love my hobbies. Exercising, writing and listening to music. 

    Yep Absolute heaven. 

    Keeping my mouth aside, I have quite intellectual hobbies. That keeps me sane.

    Oh and let’s not forget BTS. 😜

    Character

    After everything, when I talk about the kind of character I have…. It doesn’t really soothe anything at all. I am not a bad person, but I am not the nicest one in the room either. 

    The only reason I am not in jail is because I haven’t committed a crime, but the way I talk sometimes I might as well be locked up. 😂

    Well unfortunately for her, I for one have not become kinder at all. I am the same sharp-mouth girl I was, but I have developed a filter now. 

    I have become more empathetic and compassionate when needed, but kinder…. I would doubt that.

    One thing that I can be really certain about is, I have become stronger, I am a lot more stronger and smarter than I was as a child.

    That in no way means I care more about people. Let’s be honest, I am definitely not a people’s person. I hate people, but I do care about my people, my friends and my family.

    You know the irony of it all, I have to talk to people in my job all day every day. And I hate it.   

    Anyways, I still stand up for myself and have stronger boundaries. I don’t let people walk all over me, and I refuse to be pressured into doing something I don’t want to.

    The hard questions

    I am a simple person, I stay out of trouble and try to keep a clean, simple, drama free life, so I don’t think there is anything in my life that will disappoint her (because let’s be honest, you need to do something reckless to make a disappointing decision).

    When I think about my childhood, the only joy I miss is how careless everything was, all I had to do was study and get good grades. That’s that kind of luxury I don’t have anymore.

    I don’t even remember when I became so busy and lost my childhood. Maybe when I turned 13, I don’t remember being a child since then, I got my periods, things changed for me. 

    It’s not that I regret anything, but I think we all think about how life was easier when we were kids. 

    Honestly, the last couple of years I have tried my hardest to heal myself. I was able to do that for myself, which made me connect with my younger self more. Every part of her that I wanted to connect with is already with me, it’s like I never let her go.

    If there is a part of advice I needed to give to her it would be : 

    You will have a lot of falls, you will lose most of your childhood friends, you will lose your father. You will have rejections, you will have to mourn the deaths of people. You will have a lot of lows. But it is necessary for all the ups and self love you will experience. You will have true friendships. You will not find love (at least not at 29… maybe later) but you will have you, and that will be your biggest strength.

    Conclusion

    At the end, all I can think of is her being proud of me. She would look at me and think, I am so cool and pretty. She would definitely want to be me when we grow up.

    Now that I think about the dream I had during Covid, and I think of my younger self asking me why I left, all I want to say is that I never left. She was with me the whole time. I never let her go, I grew up, yes. But I kept her alive with me. 

    People might not see her, but I do. I know there will be someday I might trust people enough to see her, see that side of me. But for now, baby girl it’s just you and me.

    Let me know your thoughts below 👇🏻💕

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  • The Loneliest Part of Healing Is That No One Claps for It

    The most important milestones in our lives are often the ones no one else sees.

    We celebrate promotions.
    We celebrate weddings.
    We celebrate graduations.
    But nobody congratulates you for finally sleeping through the night without thinking about someone who broke your heart.

    I myself have been through things in my life and it took me 5years to heal myself and get out of that head space. There is so much trauma we all go through, some get it together easily and for some it takes time.

    But one thing I have learned is, no one can heal you, you have to heal yourself. You have to take that step yourself.

    What healing actually looks like?

    Talk about how healing isn’t dramatic. Healing isn’t a straight line and doesn’t mean forgetting the past. Instead, it looks like pausing before reacting, setting boundaries instead of people-pleasing, and bouncing back faster from bad days. It’s about integrating your experiences so they don’t dominate your present.
    True recovery manifests in a few subtle but profound ways:
    A quieter nervous system: You feel physically safer, experiencing fewer stress-related headaches or muscle tension.Mindful responses: Instead of instantly spiraling or snapping, you can take a breath and name your emotions (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed”).
    Reclaiming your energy: The past no longer monopolizes your mental space. You can engage with past triggers without being hijacked by them.
    Practicing self-compassion: You allow yourself to feel grief, make mistakes, and say “no” without judging yourself.

    Is Healing ment to be seen?
    Healing is absolutely meant to be seen, both by you and by the world around you. This realization is often a major turning point because it shifts your perspective from hiding your pain to honoring your growth.
    When healing becomes visible, it shows up in clear, tangible changes:
    In Your Body and Presence
    • Open posture: Unclenching your jaw, dropping your shoulders, and making steady eye contact.
    • Calmer voice: Speaking with a grounded, unhurried pace because you feel safe being heard.
    • Brighter energy: Carrying less physical heaviness, which naturally makes you look lighter and more present.
    In Your Daily Choices
    • Visible boundaries: Saying a clear “no” out loud without over-explaining or apologizing.
    • Active self-care: Leaving a stressful environment or choosing to rest without hiding it as a secret guilt.
    • Openly seeking joy: Actively participating in hobbies, laughing freely, and accepting compliments.
    In Your Connections
    • Authentic sharing: Speaking about your past struggles in the past tense, without shame or emotional spirals.
    • Healthy vulnerability: Letting safe people see your imperfections instead of masking them behind a perfect facade.
    • Deepening relationships: Attracting people who respect your growth and phase out those who only liked your old, people-pleasing habits.

    Conclusion
    We often think healing ends with a grand moment. A dramatic realization. A version of ourselves that no longer hurts.

    But healing rarely announces its arrival.

    It quietly slips into the ordinary moments. The day you stop replaying the conversation in your head. The moment you choose peace instead of proving a point. The first time you laugh without guilt. The day you realize you no longer recognize the person who once carried so much pain.

    Maybe no one will ever know how many nights you spent putting yourself back together. They won’t see the boundaries you fought to build, the habits you had to unlearn, or the courage it took to choose yourself over what was familiar.

    And that’s okay.

    Because healing was never a performance. It was never about convincing the world that you’re doing better. It was about creating a life where you no longer have to survive every single day.

    No one may clap for your healing.

    But one day, you’ll wake up and realize you don’t need them to.

    The peace you’ve built for yourself will always be louder than the applause you never received.

    Let me know your thoughts below 👇🏻💕

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  • Hyper-Independence: When Strength Becomes a Survival Mechanism

    Understanding why some people find it easier to carry every burden alone than to ask for support.

    I am a hyper-independent woman myself. All my life I thought I really didn’t need anyone else.
    Don’t need to ask for help, in fact offering others my help without even looking for anything in return.
    I always thought it’s badass that I am so independent and don’t need others at all, and I can do things by myself.
    But turns out, it’s a trauma!! 🎉
    You are telling me that I am traumatised to the point I don’t ask for anything from people?
    Well that kinda checks out…
    I was recently thinking about a chat I had with my best friends, where I in a way very proudly said, “I don’t really ask people for anything at all, I cannot ask people for help. I don’t think I need it much. I can’t even ask my own mother for money, even if I need it.” My friends had a really valid concern on their faces.
    At that time, I didn’t think it was such a huge deal, and then I came across a psychologist on Instagram, who was talking about how hyper-independence in people is a trauma response.
    And I decided to dig deep…
    I did a lot of research and all I found out was that I have issues. A lot of issues that need to be addressed someday.
    So, I am gonna do it one at a time. 😀

    What is hyper-independence?
    It’s definitely not a personality trait. It’s not good either.
    According to Google: “It is an extreme, unwavering insistence on self-reliance where a person is unable or unwilling to depend on others, even in times of dire need. Far from just being highly capable, it is a psychological defense mechanism where doing everything alone feels like the only way to stay safe.”

    And that made me question:

    Why do people develop Hyper-independence?
    Why does one’s brain choose this path as a survival instinct?
    Here are some major reasons, with enough depth to build a blog or research from.
    1. Childhood Emotional Neglect
    One of the most common causes.
    A child doesn’t necessarily need to be physically neglected. Emotional neglect happens when their feelings, fears, or needs are consistently ignored, dismissed, or minimized.
    Examples:
    “Stop crying.”
    “You’re too sensitive.”
    “Deal with it yourself.”
    Over time, the child learns that no one is coming to help me. I have to handle everything on my own. As an adult, asking for help can feel uncomfortable or even shameful.

    1. Parentification (Growing Up Too Fast)
    Some children become caregivers long before they’re emotionally ready.
    They may:
    Take care of younger siblings.
    Mediate fights between parents.
    Become their mother’s emotional support.
    Manage household responsibilities.
    Worry about finances.
    Instead of being cared for, they become the caretaker. As adults, they often feel responsible for everyone else’s well-being while neglecting their own.

    1. Growing Up in an Unpredictable or Unsafe Environment
    If home life was chaotic because of conflict, addiction, abuse, frequent criticism, or instability, children often learn that depending on others is risky.
    Hyper-independence becomes a way to create control.
    The mindset becomes:
    “If I rely on no one, no one can disappoint or hurt me.”

    1. Repeated Betrayal or Broken Trust
    Sometimes hyper-independence develops later in life.
    Experiences such as:
    Being cheated on.
    Friends abandoning them.
    Family members breaking promises.
    Being repeatedly let down.
    can create the belief that trusting people only leads to pain. Instead of risking disappointment again, they decide to rely only on themselves.

    1. Being Rewarded for Being “The Strong One”
    Many children receive praise not for expressing emotions but for suppressing them.
    People say:
    “You’re so mature.”
    “You’re the responsible one.”
    “You’re the strong child.”
    While these sound like compliments, they can teach someone that their value comes from being capable rather than being cared for.
    Eventually, vulnerability feels like failure.

    1. Cultural and Gender Expectations
    Many societies encourage girls to be self-sacrificing, emotionally responsible, and resilient. At the same time, asking for help may be interpreted as:
    Weakness.
    Failure.
    Being a burden.
    In other contexts, boys may be taught that expressing vulnerability is unmanly. Although the expectations differ, both can contribute to hyper-independence.
    The result is people who struggle to receive support, even when they desperately need it.

    1. Fear of Being a Burden
    Some people grow up believing their needs inconvenience others.
    They may have heard:
    “Don’t trouble people.”
    “Handle it yourself.”
    “Everyone has their own problems.”
    As adults, they apologize for needing help and often stay silent even when they’re overwhelmed.

    1. Perfectionism
    Hyper-independence often goes hand in hand with perfectionism.
    People may think:
    “No one can do it as well as I can.”
    “If I want it done right, I’ll do it myself.”
    While this can lead to high achievement, it also creates chronic stress, exhaustion, and difficulty delegating.

    1. Fear of Rejection or Vulnerability
    Accepting help requires trust. For someone who fears rejection, asking for help can feel like exposing themselves to possible criticism or abandonment. It’s emotionally safer to struggle alone than risk hearing:
    “No.”

    1. Trauma
    Whether from childhood or adulthood, traumatic experiences can change how someone views the world. Hyper-independence can become a survival strategy because it creates an illusion of safety.
    The belief becomes:
    “If I control everything myself, I won’t be hurt again.”

    1. Low Self-Worth
    Some people don’t believe they deserve care.
    They may think:
    “Other people deserve help more than I do.”
    “I should be able to handle this.”
    “My problems aren’t important.”
    They freely support others but deny themselves the same compassion.

    1. Confusing Independence with Self-Worth
    Many people grow up equating independence with success. Being independent is healthy. Believing you must never need anyone is not.
    Healthy independence says:
    I can take care of myself, and I can ask for help when I need it.
    Hyper-independence says:
    If I need help, I’ve failed.

    Hyper-Independence might look like freedom, but it slowly becomes a cage built for protection.

    How Do People Develop Hyper-Independence?
    1. They Learn That Their Needs Won’t Be Met
    Hyper-independence often begins when someone repeatedly reaches out for comfort, support, or reassurance and doesn’t receive it.
    Instead of learning that it’s safe to depend on others, they begin to expect disappointment. Over time, they stop expressing their needs altogether, convincing themselves that relying on others only leads to frustration or hurt.
    The belief becomes:
    “If no one is going to help me, I need to learn to do everything myself.”

    1. They Start Solving Problems Alone
    Once people stop expecting support, they begin handling every challenge independently. Whether it’s emotional pain, financial struggles, schoolwork, or family responsibilities, they teach themselves to cope without asking for assistance.
    At first, this feels empowering. Over time, it becomes their default way of functioning. Eventually, asking for help feels unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or even impossible.

    1. Self-Reliance Gets Reinforced
    Every time they successfully manage a difficult situation alone, their brain receives confirmation that independence is the safest option.
    They begin associating self-reliance with survival. The more they cope alone, the harder it becomes to imagine depending on anyone else.

    1. They Build Emotional Walls
    As disappointment accumulates, people often protect themselves by becoming emotionally guarded. They stop sharing vulnerable thoughts, avoid discussing their struggles, and become uncomfortable with emotional dependence.
    This isn’t because they don’t want connection. It’s because emotional distance feels safer than risking rejection or disappointment.

    1. Independence Becomes Part of Their Identity
    Eventually, hyper-independence stops being a coping strategy and becomes part of how they see themselves.
    They begin describing themselves as:
    “I’m just very independent.”
    “I don’t need anyone.”
    “I’ve always handled things on my own.”
    What started as a survival response gradually becomes a core part of their identity.

    1. They Mistake Isolation for Strength
    Because they have survived by relying on themselves, they may begin to believe that needing others is a sign of weakness.
    They pride themselves on carrying everything alone, even when it comes at the cost of their mental health, relationships, or well-being.
    Strength becomes measured by how much they can endure in silence.

    1. They Feel Guilty When Others Help Them
    Over time, receiving support can feel more uncomfortable than giving it.
    They may:
    Minimize their own struggles.
    Decline offers of help.
    Feel indebted when someone does something for them.
    Rush to “repay” kindness immediately.
    Instead of experiencing support as comforting, they experience it as something they have to earn or compensate for.

    1. The Cycle Becomes Self-Perpetuating
    Because they rarely ask for help, people assume they don’t need it.
    As a result, others stop offering support, which reinforces their belief that they can only rely on themselves.
    Without realizing it, they create a cycle where their independence keeps confirming the very belief that caused it in the first place.

    How does one heal from it?
    1. Redefine What Strength Means
    Many hyper-independent people equate strength with handling everything alone. Healing begins by challenging that definition.
    True strength isn’t measured by how much you can carry by yourself. It’s measured by your ability to recognize when you need support, adapt to challenges, and build healthy interdependence.
    Instead of asking,
    “Can I do this alone?”
    Ask,
    “Do I have to?”

    1. Learn to Receive Without Feeling Guilty
    Giving often feels natural. Receiving can feel uncomfortable. Practice accepting small acts of kindness without immediately trying to repay them.
    For example:
    Let someone buy you coffee.
    Accept a compliment with a simple “Thank you.”
    Let a friend help you move or run an errand.
    Receiving support isn’t taking advantage of people. It’s allowing relationships to be mutual rather than one-sided.

    1. Build Trust Gradually
    Healing doesn’t require trusting everyone overnight.
    Start by identifying people who have consistently shown reliability, honesty, and respect.
    Share something small before sharing something deeply personal.
    Trust is built through repeated positive experiences, not blind faith.

    1. Practice Asking for Small Favors
    If asking for help feels overwhelming, start with low-stakes requests.
    Examples:
    Ask someone for advice.
    Request feedback on your work.
    Let a colleague explain something instead of figuring it out alone.
    Each positive experience teaches your nervous system that asking for help doesn’t always lead to rejection or disappointment.

    1. Separate Independence From Isolation
    Being independent doesn’t mean refusing connection.
    Healthy independence allows you to:
    Make your own decisions.
    Support yourself financially or emotionally.
    Maintain your identity.

    Healthy connection allows you to:
    Lean on others during difficult times.
    Share responsibilities.
    Experience mutual care.

    The goal isn’t dependence. It’s balance.

    1. Become Aware of Your Automatic Responses
    Hyper-independence often operates on autopilot. Notice the moments when you instantly think:
    “I’ll just do it myself.”
    “It’s easier if I don’t ask.”
    “I don’t want to bother anyone.”
    Pause before acting.
    Ask yourself:
    “Am I choosing this because it’s genuinely the best option, or because it’s my default response?”
    Awareness creates room for different choices.

    1. Allow Yourself to Be Seen
    Many hyper-independent people let others see their achievements but hide their struggles.
    Healing involves letting trusted people witness not only your successes but also your fears, uncertainties, and moments of vulnerability. Connection deepens when people know the real you, not just the capable version of you.

    1. Stop Treating Rest as Something You Have to Earn
    People who are used to carrying everything often believe they deserve rest only after they’ve finished every task.
    But there will always be another task.
    Recovery isn’t a reward for productivity. It’s a basic human need that protects your physical and emotional well-being.

    1. Accept That Interdependence Is Healthy
    Psychologists often distinguish between dependence, independence, and interdependence.
    Dependence means relying entirely on others.
    Hyper-independence means relying only on yourself.
    Interdependence is the healthy middle ground, where people remain capable while also giving and receiving support.
    Most healthy relationships thrive in this middle ground.

    1. Be Patient With Yourself
    Hyper-independence often develops over many years. It won’t disappear after a few vulnerable conversations. There may be moments when asking for help still feels uncomfortable or exposing.
    That doesn’t mean you’re failing.
    Healing is less about becoming a different person and more about expanding your comfort zone, one small step at a time.

    🍁Conclusion.
    It is not a disease that needs to be cured, nor is it a problem that needs fixing.
    Hyper-independence may look like confidence from the outside, but for many people, it is a survival strategy born from experiences that taught them they could only rely on themselves. While being independent is a valuable quality, believing you must carry every burden alone can leave you emotionally exhausted and disconnected from the very support that helps us thrive. Healing doesn’t mean giving up your independence or becoming dependent on others. It means learning that strength and vulnerability can coexist. It’s about allowing yourself to trust, accept help, set healthy boundaries, and recognize that your worth has never been measured by how much you can endure in silence. You deserve relationships where care is mutual, support is freely given, and you don’t have to prove your strength by facing every challenge alone.

    I know now why I am like this and honestly, I am working on it. I hope you have found the reason too!!

    Let me know your thoughts below! 👇🏻💕

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  • The difference between being wanted and being valued.

    A personal reflection on love, attraction, emotional depth, and genuine care. 

    I recently was watching a Turkish Show called “Sen Çal Kapımı”, and I fell in love with Serkan, he became my favourite thing on the show. Yes, the show followed a typical TV series trope from enemies to lovers, second change romance and memory loss, but I was still hooked. I knew it was stupid, but I was hooked. Because of Serkan. 

    Now his character was not the brightest, he had flaws a lot of them, but I loved how he redeemed himself, (and let’s be honest, I was in love with Kerem more). And that show made me reflect on myself and what I want. 

    Too deep.

    I know.

    But, I had a conversation with myself about what I want in my life, the kind of partner (if I ever get one) I would want to spend my life with. And I came to a realisation that I gravitate towards similar types of men. Emotionally available, intense, intelligent, intentional, sharp , witty and masculine men. Which is why characters like Serkan hit me so much.

    I like being valued more than being wanted. I want someone to respect me more than desire me. I want to be considered rather than just be attractive to someone. I refuse to be looked at like an object.

    I want the intensity, but I want respect too.

    I want to be desired, but I want to be considered too.

    I want attraction, but I want attentiveness too.

    There’s a huge difference between being wanted and being valued, yet people constantly confuse the two. Personally, I would choose being valued every single time. Being wanted may feel exciting, passionate, and validating in the moment, but being valued is what creates trust, stability, and genuine connection. 

    Being wanted is often tied to desire, attraction, loneliness, fantasy, or emotional need. It is connected to how someone feels around you and what you provide for them emotionally or physically. Being valued, however, goes deeper than attraction. It is about being respected, considered, appreciated, and treated with care. 

    A person can desire you deeply and still fail to treat you properly. That is the difference many people overlook.

    ✨ What Is Want?

    Want is emotional or physical desire toward someone. People are often drawn to others because they feel exciting, comforting, validating, attractive, or emotionally fulfilling. Attraction and desire are completely natural parts of human connection, and there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting someone.

    However, desire alone does not automatically create healthy love. Sometimes people become attached to the feeling another person gives them rather than genuinely appreciating who that person is. They may love the attention, comfort, validation, or emotional escape they receive without truly understanding or respecting the individual behind it.

    Want can feel intense and consuming, but intensity by itself is not proof of emotional depth. 

    🌿 What Is Value?

    Value is recognizing someone’s worth beyond what they can offer you emotionally or physically. It means appreciating them as a whole person, respecting their individuality, caring about their feelings, and treating them with thoughtfulness and consistency.

    Unlike desire, value is reflected through behavior. Someone who values you communicates honestly, respects your boundaries, supports you during difficult moments, and considers how their actions affect you. Their care is not dependent only on convenience, attraction, or emotional highs.

    While desire may draw people together, value is often what helps relationships survive beyond the initial excitement. 

    💭 Why Do People Crave Being Wanted More Than Being Valued?

    Being wanted feels emotionally powerful. It can make people feel attractive, chosen, important, and desired. That intensity creates excitement and instant emotional gratification, which is why so many people chase it.

    Society also glamorizes passionate pursuit far more than emotional stability. Movies, social media, and modern dating culture often portray obsession, jealousy, and constant longing as signs of deep love. Meanwhile, consistency, emotional maturity, and healthy communication are sometimes treated as boring simply because they feel calmer.

    The problem is that emotional intensity and emotional depth are not always the same thing. Someone can strongly desire you and still fail to respect you, prioritize you, or care for you properly. That is why desire alone is never enough. Without respect and consideration, intensity eventually becomes draining instead of fulfilling. 

    🌸 Why Should Value Matter More?

    Value matters more because it is revealed through actions rather than temporary emotions. Attraction changes. Feelings shift. Excitement naturally rises and falls over time. But the way someone consistently treats you says far more about the health of a relationship than emotional intensity ever could.

    Someone who truly values you listens to you, respects your boundaries, considers your feelings, and shows up even when things are difficult or inconvenient. They see you as a person, not just as a source of validation, comfort, or desire.

    Being wanted may give you butterflies, but being valued gives you peace, trust, and emotional security. 

    🌱 How Can People Learn to Value Respect Over Desire?

    Many people chase being wanted because they connect it to self-worth. Attention and attraction can feel validating, especially in a world where desirability is constantly tied to confidence, beauty, and social value. But eventually, people begin to realize that attention means very little when it comes without care or consistency.

    One of the healthiest mindset shifts is learning to focus less on how intensely someone feels about you and more on how they treat you daily. Instead of only asking:

    “Do they want me?”
    people should also ask:
    “Do they respect me?”
    “Do they support me?”
    “Do I feel safe, heard, and considered around them?”

    Building self-worth plays a huge role here too. People who value themselves are less likely to settle for relationships built only on attraction or emotional highs. They begin to understand that real love is not just about being desired, but about being genuinely appreciated and cared for as a whole person. 

    🚩 Choosing Better Partners

    Choosing better partners often comes down to paying attention to behavior rather than getting lost in chemistry or emotional intensity. Attraction can be powerful, but it should never be the only foundation of a relationship.

    Someone may know exactly how to make you feel wanted, but their actions will always reveal their true character over time. Do they communicate honestly? Do they respect boundaries? Are they emotionally reliable? Do their actions consistently match their words?

    Healthy relationships should bring clarity, trust, peace, and emotional stability instead of constant confusion, mixed signals, anxiety, or emotional chaos. Sometimes people mistake instability for passion simply because it feels intense. 

    Choosing better partners means prioritizing emotional maturity, communication, consistency, and mutual respect over temporary excitement or obsession.

    🤍 Conclusion

    In the end, being wanted and being valued are not the same thing. Desire may create attraction and excitement, but value is what creates trust, respect, and lasting emotional connection.

    Healthy relationships need both passion and care. There is nothing wrong with wanting or being wanted. But personally, if I had to choose between intense desire and genuine value, I would choose value every time. Because while attraction may pull people together, it is respect, consideration, and emotional care that make love last. 

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  • What does freedom mean to you?

    Daily writing prompt
    What does freedom mean to you?
    View all responses

    To be free, free to do whatever I want.

    I don’t know why and how I became so hyper-independent and so focused on just me, but this is what freedom feels like, at least to me. Just living my life, working, going out with friends, travelling, taking care of my mental health, working on myself, and just self care as a whole.

    It’s such an amazing feeling when you have no one to give you stress and anxiety. No one who questions you, no one you value you more than yourself, I am so at peace right now, that the thought of getting into a relationship is kinds scary to me because what if he messes with my peace?

    I just love living life for myself and with myself so much. I have found serenity in myself.

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