Ladyink with love

Sometimes the child you were, doesn’t need saving. She just needs to know you never left.

I dream a lot, I have some weird dreams almost every other day. Just yesterday my friend was telling me about a dream she had, and we were just telling each other about dreams making no sense. And then I remembered my own dream, that inspired me to write this.

One day I had a dream that I was in my previous rented house, it was empty. I went inside and I started exploring, although in real life the house was not big, but in my dream it was big enough for me to explore. And then I saw a little girl, she was so cute. We spent a lot of time and played together. Then all of a sudden I heard a sound and started following it. When I came back and opened the door of the house the little girl came running to me and started crying and saying “Why did you leave? Why did you leave me alone? I was so scared. No one was there for me.”

……. And then, I woke up.

Once I woke up I realised that I was actually crying in my sleep and the little girl I saw was actually me when I was a small girl. 

I have felt a lot of things after that, and it was also Covid time. I wrote that dream down to remember it. And then Taylor Swift also released “Forklore”, and there was a song in it called “Seven” and it had a line :

And I’ve been meaning to tell you
I think your house is haunted
Your dad is always mad and that must be why
And I think you should come live with
Me and we can be pirates
Then you won’t have to cry
Or hide in the closet
And just like a folk song
Our love will be passed on 

This hit me a little hard, because every time I hear it, it’s like I am talking to my younger self. 

And every time I think about her, all I can think of is, if I had someone older like me around when I was young, I would have felt so protected and safe. Which I really didn’t as a child.

She would be so proud of me today. She would love to see the kind of person I became. 

She would smile watching me be stupid yet responsible, silly yet composed when needed. 

She would find me so cool, me standing up for myself. Believing in me more than others. Maybe also, my collection of BTS albums and my travelling tales.

I think she would be so surprised to see me work in a corporate company. I didn’t really have a dream job when I was a child.

She would want to know if I am still friends with the same people we were in school (Good for her we have better company and best friends I would never trade for anything ever.)

She would see me and hug me for becoming the kind of person we always wanted to be, and getting everything I ever wanted (Except for a million dollar I still wish to receive magically someday.)

The person I’ve become

When I talk about the person I have become or the kind of kid I was, it is quite difficult. I can’t say I was an easy child. My mother had a hard time with me, I was the oldest, yet I always felt overlooked, and that made me act out. 

Now that I have become an adult myself, I think about how as a woman, enduring abuse, becoming a sole provider, and having kids who act out is not easy. It is terrifying, and my mother is an innocent woman. Sometimes I am glad that I am not like her. Things were hard, and having 3 children to look after made it harder.

So, in a way there are parts of my younger self that I have left behind, but the part of me that questions everything is still the same. I still refuse to listen to people and question everything and that has still been bothering my mother. 

My younger self would definitely appreciate that we throw out that one toxic person from our life that was taking us down with him. And we grew from it.

This was also one of things my younger self would not have been able to imagine could happen. 

Me being able to achieve my freedom, being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and however I want. Without explaining myself to anyone, are among other things she probably never thought would happen. 

I always thought things would be okay, I am not sure if I even had any fears other than heights.

I have only ever been confident enough in myself. But I do think the one thing that made me nervous was studies and now I hold a Master’s degree. 

My young self was fearless as hell, and that has only grown over the years. I am still the same stubborn and fearless Girl I was at 10 that I am at 29. 

Dreams

I never really had dreams, I only ever thought of growing up and earning a lot of money. But the one dream that really came true was that my sister and I bought a house for our family.

There were so many dream jobs I had as a child, I was never clear on what I really wanted to be when I grew up. That is something that changed was, once in my life I wanted to be a lawyer, which didn’t happen thankfully. I was actually glad that didn’t happen. I would have had a horrible life.

I just know she’d see those changes as me growing up because it all happened for good. Because I was able to do what I actually love, writing. 

And writing matters to me now that she couldn’t yet understand, because I love it. I did it as a child too, but never really took it as seriously as I do now.

I know if I explain my current goals to her, would she eventually nod and say, “That makes sense.” Because it does, we both love it. She as a hobby, me as my passion.

Values

We as people all have a lot of values, and I do too, even as a child. One of those values was loyalty. 

My Loyalty is something that is still intact in me since my childhood. She was a very loyal person and so am I.

That has made me a safe person to people, because I always stand for people and myself. I call our people when I think it deserves to be called out. So, I know I would be a safe person and make her feel safe. I am a feisty fighter. I always protect my own.

So that if people have issues and they want to talk to someone they know they have me. And that is something she would feel as well, and look at me as an adult to run to when she is scared.  

Other than Loyalty, there are other things that I also kept with me.

Like my curiosity is something I have kept the same. I was always a curious child, questioning everything and everyone. That has irritated people 🙃 but I still wanted to know. 

I am the same way now. 🙂‍↔️

I still want to know everything and anything.

I am not sure if that is something like a promise I have kept, but I think the biggest promise I kept without realising is to be true to myself. 

I can never be two-faced with anyone. If I don’t like something or someone I do not pretend to be nice. I can never fake myself for something or someone. 

Healing

My whole childhood was anything but normal, I grew up in an abusive household, and that is something not just me, but my whole family had to heal from.

Because of which I have a lot of trust issues in relationships. I do try to give people the benefit of doubt and let people in. Even though it takes a lot of time and effort, it protects me from a lot of pain. 

All of my experiences in life have made me realise that there is nothing in my previous life that would comfort her. I have had it pretty weird. But I do think my life now, my mindset today is something that will comfort her a lot.

And that is something I think she will thank me for, being able to grow from the hurt.

And yet, there are so many parts of her I have made rooms for, like the innocence. The silly parts, the talkative and the curious parts.

Everyday life

Although I don’t really have a big room, I think she wouldn’t mind, but I am not sure if that is something she would love.

I imagine a little me coming in the rooms asking if it is our home, and me saying yes.

And then looking at the books I own. The amount and kind of books I have read, that is something I think would excite her a lot. 

Then looking at all my clothes. I wear almost everything and anything. I know that is something she would find shocking. Especially now, because when I was a child I had to dress like a boy. My parents would dress me more like a boy, I even had pictures of myself in it, and it looked like my brother. I hated it. 

I remember having 2 skirts as a child, one was a denim skirt with green top and the other was a blue slightly thick cloth with a white top. I would wear those 2 skirts all the time, everywhere I went until I grew out of it, because that was the only clothes I had that would make me feel like a girl. I never felt like myself in those clothes, I wanted to feel like a girl, but my parents’ weird ways of dressing made me feel like a boy too. 

My sister was somehow allowed to wear girls clothes like frocks and skirts because apparently “She looked good in it.” I actually have a lot of resentment because of this. 

One of the reasons why, now my clothes are more girly and cool. I have a good sense of style for myself. I always wear makeup and dress and style myself like a woman, and I refuse to wear anything that can look remotely closer to a man (You could say this is one thing I never healed from? I don’t know if it needs healing). I don’t hate pants or anything, but even if I wear clothes like pants and shirts, I style it more feminine. 

That is not something I think that is concerning….. However, she might be concerned about my humor, because let’s be honest, my dark self deprecating humor is quite troubling. 

It is one of my hobbies tho, making jokes about myself (But let’s not get it twisted, I only joke about myself with everyone except my family. Because they keep making fun of me for everything)….. 😂

That being said, she would love my hobbies. Exercising, writing and listening to music. 

Yep Absolute heaven. 

Keeping my mouth aside, I have quite intellectual hobbies. That keeps me sane.

Oh and let’s not forget BTS. 😜

Character

After everything, when I talk about the kind of character I have…. It doesn’t really soothe anything at all. I am not a bad person, but I am not the nicest one in the room either. 

The only reason I am not in jail is because I haven’t committed a crime, but the way I talk sometimes I might as well be locked up. 😂

Well unfortunately for her, I for one have not become kinder at all. I am the same sharp-mouth girl I was, but I have developed a filter now. 

I have become more empathetic and compassionate when needed, but kinder…. I would doubt that.

One thing that I can be really certain about is, I have become stronger, I am a lot more stronger and smarter than I was as a child.

That in no way means I care more about people. Let’s be honest, I am definitely not a people’s person. I hate people, but I do care about my people, my friends and my family.

You know the irony of it all, I have to talk to people in my job all day every day. And I hate it.   

Anyways, I still stand up for myself and have stronger boundaries. I don’t let people walk all over me, and I refuse to be pressured into doing something I don’t want to.

The hard questions

I am a simple person, I stay out of trouble and try to keep a clean, simple, drama free life, so I don’t think there is anything in my life that will disappoint her (because let’s be honest, you need to do something reckless to make a disappointing decision).

When I think about my childhood, the only joy I miss is how careless everything was, all I had to do was study and get good grades. That’s that kind of luxury I don’t have anymore.

I don’t even remember when I became so busy and lost my childhood. Maybe when I turned 13, I don’t remember being a child since then, I got my periods, things changed for me. 

It’s not that I regret anything, but I think we all think about how life was easier when we were kids. 

Honestly, the last couple of years I have tried my hardest to heal myself. I was able to do that for myself, which made me connect with my younger self more. Every part of her that I wanted to connect with is already with me, it’s like I never let her go.

If there is a part of advice I needed to give to her it would be : 

You will have a lot of falls, you will lose most of your childhood friends, you will lose your father. You will have rejections, you will have to mourn the deaths of people. You will have a lot of lows. But it is necessary for all the ups and self love you will experience. You will have true friendships. You will not find love (at least not at 29… maybe later) but you will have you, and that will be your biggest strength.

Conclusion

At the end, all I can think of is her being proud of me. She would look at me and think, I am so cool and pretty. She would definitely want to be me when we grow up.

Now that I think about the dream I had during Covid, and I think of my younger self asking me why I left, all I want to say is that I never left. She was with me the whole time. I never let her go, I grew up, yes. But I kept her alive with me. 

People might not see her, but I do. I know there will be someday I might trust people enough to see her, see that side of me. But for now, baby girl it’s just you and me.

Let me know your thoughts below 👇🏻💕