“‘Cause I’m a real tough kid, I can handle my shit
They said, “Babe, you gotta fake it till you make it” and I did” “I’m so depressed, I act like it’s my birthday every day I cry a lot but I am so productive, it’s an art
You know you’re good when you can even do it
With a broken heart”
From I can do it with a broken heart
“And I’ve been meaning to tell you
I think your house is haunted
Your dad is always mad and that must be why”
From Seven by taylor
And “I knew you
Leavin’ like a father
Running like water, I
And when you are young, they assume you know nothing”
Cardigan
And “If love and hate are the same words, I hate you, Seoul
Seoul”
Seoul Rm, I never lived in seoul, never went there….
“난 still life, but I’m movin’
Just live now, goin’ forward, yuh” Still life RM
“I’m goddamn lost
I never been to club before
I hit the club
I never felt so free before
You’re goddamn ghost
I never felt so fine before
I hit the cloud”
Lost RM
These are just some of the lyrics I relate to a lot.
What happens when every quiet moment is replaced with a scroll?
I don’t remember the last time I was bored. I’ve always found a way to fill every empty moment. It’s either a show, movie, a video or just random doom scrolling.
I just cannot sit in silence.
That made me question if we really just killed boredom or also killed imagination with it.
Honestly, I don’t think so, because I am still the same imaginative person that I was as a child. So, as much as I don’t believe in this argument, I want to see it from both sides of the coin.
What boredom looked like before the internet?
Before the internet took over, boredom meant so many things like, staring out of the car window, waiting at doctor’s clinics, lying on the terrace watching clouds, making random stories in your head, doodling in notebooks or reading shampoo bottles in the bathroom 😂
Boredom wasn’t empty. It was waiting for your brain to create something.
Anything.
And I miss it.
I miss being able to just sit in my pitch black room and just being in my thoughts. Creating random stories with stupid scenarios. Or think of myself as the lead in a movie and just narrate all the things I would have done. Pretend to be a singer and win an award (Let’s be fair we all have done this 😂).
Today, boredom lasts about five seconds
Every pause gets filled with the internet. No one wants to just be in the movement.
I mean we have done it, standing in line → Instagram, elevator → phone, sitting alone → YouTube, bathroom → scrolling, waiting for food → Reels.
This is our daily life now.
Even I do this, I could be out with my friends, and if we stop talking for 5 minutes, all of us whip our phones out and start scrolling. We don’t really talk anymore, just spend our days sharing reels.
When was the last time your brain had nothing to do?
I don’t remember this… Do you?
What constant stimulation changes
Creativity
I would like to think I am quite a creative person, I have a lot of ideas. Not just about writing or reading, but about art too. I am working on my drawing and painting skills, because I want to be able to draw. It seems so fun.
So, why is there such a lack of creativity today?
When I tried to learn about it more, a few things stood out to me
Lack of original ideas : Ideas need quiet. If every empty moment is filled, your brain never wanders.
True innovation happens when the mind is under-stimulated and forced to connect disparate concepts. Constant input fills that void with other people’s ideas, leading to derivative thinking.
Surface-level problem solving: The brain defaults to quick, algorithmic solutions found online rather than enduring the mental friction required to invent unique solutions.
Fear of the blank page: Because the brain is unused to emptiness, starting a creative project from scratch feels overwhelming and anxiety-inducing rather than exciting.
Reading
Oh my god, this has to be my favourite thing ever. I love reading.
I’ve loved reading since I was a child. I started out with children’s books, expanding to Fanfictions and then to actual published books.
I just love reading.
Even though I do see people online talk a lot more about reading now (Well, this could just be my Instagram feed for all I know.. 😌), I still think people are still unaware.
And when I did a little digging why that could be, I found out a few things
Loss of deep linear focus: Continuous scrolling trains the eye to skim text vertically for keywords rather than tracking lines horizontally. This makes reading long-form books feel physically exhausting.
Eroded narrative patience: Dense world-building and slow-developing plots feel boring because the brain expects immediate narrative payoffs every few seconds.
Weakened visualization: Books ask you to imagine. Videos imagine for you. When screens instantly provide vivid images, the mental muscle used to construct characters, settings, and scenes from plain text atrophies.
Hobbies
Instead of making things, we consume other people making things. We look at the videos or lifestyle the other people are living, instead of doing things ourselves to get to where we want to be.
The more I looked into it, the more I realized it wasn’t just me
Abandonment of slow-skill tracking: Hobbies with steep learning curves (like woodworking, knitting, or learning an instrument) are often dropped because they do not offer immediate digital gratification. And some of the factors could be :
Performative engagement: Hobbies shift from private acts of joy to content creation, where the value of the activity is measured by views or likes rather than the process itself.
Micro-niche burnout: Constant exposure to hyper-optimized, expert-level hobbyists online creates intimidation, causing beginners to quit before they build competence.
Daydreaming
This is something I have mastered a lot actually.
I daydream even when I am watching something, like a video, a show or a movie, or even reading a book. All I do is pause it for a minute, imagine what I would have done, daydream about it for a while and then get back to it. (Yes, I know it can sound weird for a 29-year-old 🙄)
Those moments disappear when attention is constantly occupied. It turns out there’s actually a psychological explanation for this.
Extinction of the Default Mode Network: Daydreaming requires the brain to drop into a resting state to process memories and identity. Constant stimulation overrides this, completely eliminating idle thought.
Loss of internal narrative: Instead of reflecting on personal experiences or imagining future scenarios, the mind’s inner monologue is replaced by a loop of recently consumed audio, memes, and videos.
Decreased self-awareness: Without the quiet space of a daydream to untangle emotions, people become less connected to their own underlying feelings and motivations.
Is boredom actually a skill?
You know what, maybe boredom isn’t a problem. Maybe it’s a muscle we’ve stopped using.
Children naturally invent games. Adults immediately unlock their phones.
Boredom itself is not a skill, but tolerating and utilizing boredom is a critical psychological skill called “boredom tolerance.”
In a world engineered for instant gratification, the ability to sit with emptiness without reaching for a distraction is a modern superpower that must be practiced and maintained.
When you actively build this skill, it unlocks advanced cognitive abilities like deep focus, emotional regulation, and original creativity. A bored mind is forced to activate its “default mode network,” the brain state responsible for daydreaming, processing memories, and making unique creative connections. Without this necessary friction, the brain never learns to entertain itself, leading to short attention spans and a low tolerance for real-world delays.
You can practice and rebuild this skill through small, daily moments of intentional emptiness. Try leaving your phone in your pocket while waiting in lines, washing the dishes without background audio, or commuting in complete silence. Choosing to endure these minor gaps of under-stimulation trains your brain to handle low-input environments, transforming boredom from an uncomfortable emotion into a powerful tool for mental clarity.
The irony
We have more entertainment than any generation before us.
Yet people constantly say
“I don’t know what to do.”
That’s a fascinating contradiction.
This paradox is driven by choice overload, where an abundance of options leads directly to anxiety and indecision.
Before the digital age, people chose from just a few books, three TV channels, or a handful of physical games.
Today, opening a streaming service means browsing tens of thousands of titles, triggering a constant fear of making the wrong choice. This mental fatigue makes the act of selecting a task feel exhausting, causing people to scroll aimlessly for hours and ultimately conclude that there is nothing worth doing.
When I try to open Netflix or Amazon, I just get so confused on what to watch. I have a lot of shows I was looking forward to watching, but then I just get so overwhelmed that I just stop, and exit and end up just doom scrolling instead.
At the same time, instant digital entertainment has turned us into passive consumers rather than active creators. When stimulation is always available at the push of a button, the brain stops practicing the skill of initiation, which is the mental effort required to start a hobby, read a book, or invent a game. When faced with free time outside of a screen, the mind feels temporarily paralyzed because it has forgotten how to bridge the gap between emptiness and action without a digital prompt.
Finally, continuous exposure to fast-paced content keeps the brain’s dopamine baseline unnaturally high, desensitizing our reward pathways. This constant hyper-stimulation raises the threshold for what we perceive as interesting, making traditional activities like cooking, practicing an instrument, or taking a walk feel incredibly dull. The exclamation that someone does not know what to do really means that nothing in their immediate physical environment can compete with the effortless dopamine rush of a smartphone.
Conclusion
Now, I won’t tell you to delete Instagram.
Social media isn’t inherently bad. It helps us stay connected, learn new things, discover communities, and even find inspiration. The problem isn’t that these platforms exist. The problem is that they’ve become our default response to every empty moment.
But wandering isn’t wasted time. It’s where ideas collide.
It’s where memories resurface. It’s where questions become stories, problems find solutions, and creativity quietly begins to grow. Some of your best thoughts will never compete with a feed that’s constantly demanding your attention.
So, instead of reaching for your phone the next time you have ten spare minutes, try doing nothing.
Look out the window.
Watch people walk by.
Let your thoughts drift wherever they want to go.
It might feel strange at first. Maybe even uncomfortable. That’s okay.
You’re not failing at being productive. You’re simply making space for your own mind again.
Because creativity rarely arrives when we’re consuming. It often arrives in the pauses between everything else.
What if the next good idea you’re waiting for is hiding inside ten minutes of silence?
What if the answer to a problem you’ve been trying to solve isn’t another video, another post, or another podcast, but a conversation with your own thoughts?
Maybe boredom was never something to escape.
Maybe it was the doorway to curiosity.
Maybe it was the quiet place where your mind could finally hear itself.
And maybe imagination was never gone.
It was just waiting for you to stop scrolling long enough to find it again.
The biggest promise I kept without realising is to be true to myself. I don’t try to be someone I’m not. I don’t care if it makes people hate me, I still will not become something else just to satisfy someone.
It’s me, all the broken and weird parts of me included.
Sometimes the child you were, doesn’t need saving. She just needs to know you never left.
I dream a lot, I have some weird dreams almost every other day. Just yesterday my friend was telling me about a dream she had, and we were just telling each other about dreams making no sense. And then I remembered my own dream, that inspired me to write this.
One day I had a dream that I was in my previous rented house, it was empty. I went inside and I started exploring, although in real life the house was not big, but in my dream it was big enough for me to explore. And then I saw a little girl, she was so cute. We spent a lot of time and played together. Then all of a sudden I heard a sound and started following it. When I came back and opened the door of the house the little girl came running to me and started crying and saying “Why did you leave? Why did you leave me alone? I was so scared. No one was there for me.”
……. And then, I woke up.
Once I woke up I realised that I was actually crying in my sleep and the little girl I saw was actually me when I was a small girl.
I have felt a lot of things after that, and it was also Covid time. I wrote that dream down to remember it. And then Taylor Swift also released “Forklore”, and there was a song in it called “Seven” and it had a line :
And I’ve been meaning to tell you I think your house is haunted Your dad is always mad and that must be why And I think you should come live with Me and we can be pirates Then you won’t have to cry Or hide in the closet And just like a folk song Our love will be passed on
This hit me a little hard, because every time I hear it, it’s like I am talking to my younger self.
And every time I think about her, all I can think of is, if I had someone older like me around when I was young, I would have felt so protected and safe. Which I really didn’t as a child.
She would be so proud of me today. She would love to see the kind of person I became.
She would smile watching me be stupid yet responsible, silly yet composed when needed.
She would find me so cool, me standing up for myself. Believing in me more than others. Maybe also, my collection of BTS albums and my travelling tales.
I think she would be so surprised to see me work in a corporate company. I didn’t really have a dream job when I was a child.
She would want to know if I am still friends with the same people we were in school (Good for her we have better company and best friends I would never trade for anything ever.)
She would see me and hug me for becoming the kind of person we always wanted to be, and getting everything I ever wanted (Except for a million dollar I still wish to receive magically someday.)
The person I’ve become
When I talk about the person I have become or the kind of kid I was, it is quite difficult. I can’t say I was an easy child. My mother had a hard time with me, I was the oldest, yet I always felt overlooked, and that made me act out.
Now that I have become an adult myself, I think about how as a woman, enduring abuse, becoming a sole provider, and having kids who act out is not easy. It is terrifying, and my mother is an innocent woman. Sometimes I am glad that I am not like her. Things were hard, and having 3 children to look after made it harder.
So, in a way there are parts of my younger self that I have left behind, but the part of me that questions everything is still the same. I still refuse to listen to people and question everything and that has still been bothering my mother.
My younger self would definitely appreciate that we throw out that one toxic person from our life that was taking us down with him. And we grew from it.
This was also one of things my younger self would not have been able to imagine could happen.
Me being able to achieve my freedom, being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and however I want. Without explaining myself to anyone, are among other things she probably never thought would happen.
I always thought things would be okay, I am not sure if I even had any fears other than heights.
I have only ever been confident enough in myself. But I do think the one thing that made me nervous was studies and now I hold a Master’s degree.
My young self was fearless as hell, and that has only grown over the years. I am still the same stubborn and fearless Girl I was at 10 that I am at 29.
Dreams
I never really had dreams, I only ever thought of growing up and earning a lot of money. But the one dream that really came true was that my sister and I bought a house for our family.
There were so many dream jobs I had as a child, I was never clear on what I really wanted to be when I grew up. That is something that changed was, once in my life I wanted to be a lawyer, which didn’t happen thankfully. I was actually glad that didn’t happen. I would have had a horrible life.
I just know she’d see those changes as me growing up because it all happened for good. Because I was able to do what I actually love, writing.
And writing matters to me now that she couldn’t yet understand, because I love it. I did it as a child too, but never really took it as seriously as I do now.
I know if I explain my current goals to her, would she eventually nod and say, “That makes sense.” Because it does, we both love it. She as a hobby, me as my passion.
Values
We as people all have a lot of values, and I do too, even as a child. One of those values was loyalty.
My Loyalty is something that is still intact in me since my childhood. She was a very loyal person and so am I.
That has made me a safe person to people, because I always stand for people and myself. I call our people when I think it deserves to be called out. So, I know I would be a safe person and make her feel safe. I am a feisty fighter. I always protect my own.
So that if people have issues and they want to talk to someone they know they have me. And that is something she would feel as well, and look at me as an adult to run to when she is scared.
Other than Loyalty, there are other things that I also kept with me.
Like my curiosity is something I have kept the same. I was always a curious child, questioning everything and everyone. That has irritated people 🙃 but I still wanted to know.
I am the same way now. 🙂↔️
I still want to know everything and anything.
I am not sure if that is something like a promise I have kept, but I think the biggest promise I kept without realising is to be true to myself.
I can never be two-faced with anyone. If I don’t like something or someone I do not pretend to be nice. I can never fake myself for something or someone.
Healing
My whole childhood was anything but normal, I grew up in an abusive household, and that is something not just me, but my whole family had to heal from.
Because of which I have a lot of trust issues in relationships. I do try to give people the benefit of doubt and let people in. Even though it takes a lot of time and effort, it protects me from a lot of pain.
All of my experiences in life have made me realise that there is nothing in my previous life that would comfort her. I have had it pretty weird. But I do think my life now, my mindset today is something that will comfort her a lot.
And that is something I think she will thank me for, being able to grow from the hurt.
And yet, there are so many parts of her I have made rooms for, like the innocence. The silly parts, the talkative and the curious parts.
Everyday life
Although I don’t really have a big room, I think she wouldn’t mind, but I am not sure if that is something she would love.
I imagine a little me coming in the rooms asking if it is our home, and me saying yes.
And then looking at the books I own. The amount and kind of books I have read, that is something I think would excite her a lot.
Then looking at all my clothes. I wear almost everything and anything. I know that is something she would find shocking. Especially now, because when I was a child I had to dress like a boy. My parents would dress me more like a boy, I even had pictures of myself in it, and it looked like my brother. I hated it.
I remember having 2 skirts as a child, one was a denim skirt with green top and the other was a blue slightly thick cloth with a white top. I would wear those 2 skirts all the time, everywhere I went until I grew out of it, because that was the only clothes I had that would make me feel like a girl. I never felt like myself in those clothes, I wanted to feel like a girl, but my parents’ weird ways of dressing made me feel like a boy too.
My sister was somehow allowed to wear girls clothes like frocks and skirts because apparently “She looked good in it.” I actually have a lot of resentment because of this.
One of the reasons why, now my clothes are more girly and cool. I have a good sense of style for myself. I always wear makeup and dress and style myself like a woman, and I refuse to wear anything that can look remotely closer to a man (You could say this is one thing I never healed from? I don’t know if it needs healing). I don’t hate pants or anything, but even if I wear clothes like pants and shirts, I style it more feminine.
That is not something I think that is concerning….. However, she might be concerned about my humor, because let’s be honest, my dark self deprecating humor is quite troubling.
It is one of my hobbies tho, making jokes about myself (But let’s not get it twisted, I only joke about myself with everyone except my family. Because they keep making fun of me for everything)….. 😂
That being said, she would love my hobbies. Exercising, writing and listening to music.
Yep Absolute heaven.
Keeping my mouth aside, I have quite intellectual hobbies. That keeps me sane.
Oh and let’s not forget BTS. 😜
Character
After everything, when I talk about the kind of character I have…. It doesn’t really soothe anything at all. I am not a bad person, but I am not the nicest one in the room either.
The only reason I am not in jail is because I haven’t committed a crime, but the way I talk sometimes I might as well be locked up. 😂
Well unfortunately for her, I for one have not become kinder at all. I am the same sharp-mouth girl I was, but I have developed a filter now.
I have become more empathetic and compassionate when needed, but kinder…. I would doubt that.
One thing that I can be really certain about is, I have become stronger, I am a lot more stronger and smarter than I was as a child.
That in no way means I care more about people. Let’s be honest, I am definitely not a people’s person. I hate people, but I do care about my people, my friends and my family.
You know the irony of it all, I have to talk to people in my job all day every day. And I hate it.
Anyways, I still stand up for myself and have stronger boundaries. I don’t let people walk all over me, and I refuse to be pressured into doing something I don’t want to.
The hard questions
I am a simple person, I stay out of trouble and try to keep a clean, simple, drama free life, so I don’t think there is anything in my life that will disappoint her (because let’s be honest, you need to do something reckless to make a disappointing decision).
When I think about my childhood, the only joy I miss is how careless everything was, all I had to do was study and get good grades. That’s that kind of luxury I don’t have anymore.
I don’t even remember when I became so busy and lost my childhood. Maybe when I turned 13, I don’t remember being a child since then, I got my periods, things changed for me.
It’s not that I regret anything, but I think we all think about how life was easier when we were kids.
Honestly, the last couple of years I have tried my hardest to heal myself. I was able to do that for myself, which made me connect with my younger self more. Every part of her that I wanted to connect with is already with me, it’s like I never let her go.
If there is a part of advice I needed to give to her it would be :
You will have a lot of falls, you will lose most of your childhood friends, you will lose your father. You will have rejections, you will have to mourn the deaths of people. You will have a lot of lows. But it is necessary for all the ups and self love you will experience. You will have true friendships. You will not find love (at least not at 29… maybe later) but you will have you, and that will be your biggest strength.
Conclusion
At the end, all I can think of is her being proud of me. She would look at me and think, I am so cool and pretty. She would definitely want to be me when we grow up.
Now that I think about the dream I had during Covid, and I think of my younger self asking me why I left, all I want to say is that I never left. She was with me the whole time. I never let her go, I grew up, yes. But I kept her alive with me.
People might not see her, but I do. I know there will be someday I might trust people enough to see her, see that side of me. But for now, baby girl it’s just you and me.
Ladyink with love 